What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 19.06.2025 00:16
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She found it foreign!.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I write beautiful poetry .
One cannot live in the past .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
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And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
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He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
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Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
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Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Why, after a divorce, would one still want to ruin the other one’s life?
But it wasn’t much.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She loved him until the end.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
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I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
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With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
What is one fantasy you have never told anyone about but really want to do?
We were not on the streets..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
What did i know ?
She married twice! .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Ive learnt so much.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I waited trembling.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I said to her
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But, we were locked up after school.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
So, i spoilt her more .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She wouldn,t have been !
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Why did i forgive my father ?
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Would this be the day?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
And who doesn’t know suffering?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Im still living with it.
Comes on , in middle age.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Was to survive, this bastard.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I never cut or harmed myself..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
We all went to grammer schools
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
My life is so biszare .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I was 9 years of age.
He resisted the act ,that day.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I was seconnd youngest,
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I have no regrets .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I think the readers, may guess!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I couldn’t, believe it.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I was very sick at this time too.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
This is soul school!.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Who then, do I blame.?
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Im dying but, im not bitter.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I will be 64.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
So whats the point in blame.
Especially a lifetime of it.
When she asked me how she looked .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
All the time i was locked up.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She was in good health!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
(And it was in our own minds.)
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I was scared of men, in general
Put me off passion for life!!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He knew the spot.
It was going to be , some day.
My family never makes their pension either.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I don,t even have a pension.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And i lived it daily.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,